On Dec. 31, 2014, I had the honour of helping to bring together two of the most wonderful people I’ve ever known. This is the story of how it went down.


Back when the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster started offering ordinations, I had myself ordained. It was the least I could do. He boiled for our sins, after all.

Then, when two of my dearest friends announced that they were engaged, I was like “That’s awesome. Hey, I can marry you guys if you want. I’m ordained,” and they were like “That sounds like a great idea!” Of course, we’d been celebrating and drinking at the time, so every few months I’d try to give them an out by being all like “You know, guys, this is kind of your big day, so if you want to go with another option, I’d totally understand,” but then the groom was all like “Don’t sweat it, bros, I’ve done this like four times already, it’s a piece of cake,” and I was thinking “So great, no pressure at all, right? F*ck…”

Long story short, I messed around with a few different ways of writing their vows for several months, trying to really make it all about them, but no matter what I came up with, it was pretentious and cliched. I asked them to take a look at a few different drafts a few times to try and get some feedback or direction, but they were just like “Whatever, I’m sure whatever you come up with will be fine.” So, you know, no pressure, right?

Anyway, time went by, I kept putting it off, and then I was on a plane, on my way there, with only two days to go before the ceremony, with nothing to show but anxiety and heartfelt intentions . So I did what any lazy writer would do: I drank three airplane bottles of red wine, took up some pen and paper, and poured out my heart.

I remember feeling grateful that the person sitting next to me was asleep ’cause, you know, no one wants to see a grown man cry, but here’s what I came up with. I think it’s one of the most sincere things I’ve ever written, but I’m an old sentimental fool, especially after too much red wine.

At the altar.

Love. There’s a lot of things you can say about it. There’s a lot of things that have been said about it.

Some people say that it’s a Blind – but if that’s so, how does it let us see into someone else’s soul, past and through all their bullshit, to where their heart burns so warm and bright, away from the prying eyes of the world, where only those they let in can feel it.

Some people say that love Eternal – but if that’s true, how can it ignite so suddenly and unexpectedly that first time our eyes fall on that special someone, much like I imagine it did for these two that one night in Vegas.

Some say that love is Selfless – but if that’s true, how is it that there are those moments we spend away from certain people that are so much more greyer, and so much more lonely than when we can look into their eyes and hold them close.

Yes, a lot of silly things are said about love, and a lot sincere things, too. And who’s to say which are right and which are wrong. Perhaps every love is unique and clichéd as the people who feel it – who fall into it without any warning or intention or premeditation whatsoever.

Perhaps that’s the one thing you can say about love: is that and never quite duplicated in quite the same way. I don’t know…

But what I do know is that when I look at Le & David, these two beautiful lovers, I see something that I don’t see everyday – I see something that I don’t see anywhere else…

I see a hope and an affection that is pure, and sincere, and truly rare. I see the possibility of a new beginning. I see something that I’m sure so many of us yearn for if we’ve never known it ourselves, and remember fondly if we ever have.

I see, simply, the stuff that dreams and happiness are made of. I see the stuff that wonder and inspiration comes from.

But enough about what I see or think about how any of us feel. These two have been waiting long enough, so let’s not keep them waiting any longer. Let’s get on with it, and help these two lovers join together their lives and paths in a way that reflects whatever that magic there is between them.

So Le, I ask you, do you take this mensch David to be your lawfully wedded husband? To be your main squeeze, and your old man? To have and to hold, through as many mundane days as you can swing, through thick and thin, through sickness and health, and especially when life gets you both up in a huff, and it’s easier to remember why you’re upset than how you truly feel about him, and why you chose to be together?

And you, David, do you take this woman to your lawfully wedded wife? To be your Queen and your old lady? To honour and support, no matter what life throws at the both of you, whether it be sickness or health, adversity or prosperity, or any of the other distractions that can help you forget why you’re standing here today?

Well, then, by the authority vested in me by the State of California, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

The Kiss.

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