So no one told you life was gonna be this way, and now you wish you had as many friends as Lisa Kudrow did on Network Television in the 90s, but
instead, you live in the real world where everyone close to you has enough of their own problems that you’re gonna have to figure most things out on your own.
Well, figuring things out for yourself is a lot easier and less painful when you finally nut-the-f*ck-up and put on your big boy pants. Why? Because big boy pants endow you with magical decision making powers that allow you to deal with things as they come and move on with your life. Here are a few life hacks for finding a pair that fits.
Get a Suit, a Good One
A big part of your wearing your big boys pants is being ready for big boy events and occasions. These might include wedding, funerals, bachelor parties, Irish wakes (not much unlike bachelor parties), court appearances, and any other situation you might have to at least appear as a respectable, productive member of society who is not a complete fuck-up.
Having a good suit means you’ll always be prepared for these situations — mostly because the pants that come with a suit are big boy pants. But it has to be a good suit — not something off the rack from the fashion outlet at a suburban mall. You’re going to need “a guy” (much like Barney Stinson has a guy, or James Bond has Q) you can trust to always make sure that you look current, fashionable, and generally formidable.
Get a Good Haircut
Part of being a big boy is projecting yourself in some way or another, and a big part of that is your haircut because people do read books by their cover, and your haircut is kinda like the typesetting on the jacket of the book that’s your own special and unique snowflake-like personal history.
Now, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a particular style of haircut, but it should suit you, and it should be a good one. So you’re gonna need a guy for this, too, someone who’s not gonna flinch when you there’s a straight razor at your throat (if you’re in Montreal, you should go here).
And if you’re balding, you should just own it (see next point) and shave your head, because it’s better to look like Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction than Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element (which is still pretty bad-ass by mortal standards).
Start Owning It, All of It
As a big boy, you will experience both triumph and defeat. Learn to own it. Good or bad, it’s in the past, and big boys live in the present with an eye to the future. All that matters is where you are now and where you plan to go.
Someone screwed you over? Either forgive them, or cut them out of your life and move on with the rest of it.
Spilled coffee on your new suit before the big meeting? Make a joke about it and then move on with why you’re there to begin with.
Good or bad, it’s behind you. Neither gloat nor dwell. Focus always on what’s ahead of you, on what you’re doing right now, because that’s the only thing you can ever do anything about, and take the time to do it properly.
This kind of unwavering resolve will make you seem both formidable and wise to more mortal men, inspiring them to look up to you and follow you to victory (or at least get out of your way when you charge).
Speak in Riddles & Metaphors
By big-boy-pants, of course, I’m speaking metaphorically, and don’t mean literally cisgender appropriate apparel — even if the above hacks seem pretty gender specific. But hey, I don’t really know the first thing about being queer, trans, or a woman, so I’m just gonna work with what I got.
Besides, I’m sure it wouldn’t be that hard to draw parallels between these hacks and other habits and superstitions that help us feel better about the utter meaninglessness of existence. But I’ll leave that kind of thing up to you in the comment section below because I require validation after taking the time to share unsolicited viewpoints with internet strangers and Facebook friends.